Friday 26 September 2014

In A World Of Stones

##twerking in#
Guess who is done with her exams!!!!! No,it isn't my final exams but I'm glad,so close your eyes,get down on your knees(no kneeling on cloth or paper or pillow or anything,go low on that concrete floor),if you are a lady,get a scarf,close your eyes and Thank God for me.He deserves all the glory..and the honor..and the adoration.I'm just so glad,atleast no books for a while.For now I'll be reading only books like:How to make quick money,Think like a lady;act like a man,How to bake cakes and christian books like Staying full of God by Andrew Wommack(started the book but the owner collected it back),so if you have hardcopies or softcopies of books like these,just contact me but keep it at the back of your mind that you are not getting the hardcopy back,let the Lord use you to bless me. Duru's message(s) got me screaming,azzin I was feeling like a boss(I am a boss),he so hyped me and I had to read the post again,thanks big brother/ARISTO(you notice the emphasis but you can be the two at the same time,aye n se ru e*)
 So,we borrowed a course from Computer Science department don't ask me why because I don't know why either.One of the topics we were thought transferred me to my dreamworld..a place where I get to decide everything that happens.'History of computers' that is the topic.The introductory part of the topic "It took thousands of years for the computer to develop in to the present state.Earlier the process of computing was done by counting with fingers, stones & through scratches on the sand or walls. But this idea is only for the counting of small entities. Later..." Pause! Rewind! Did you see that? Computing was done by counting with their fingers,stones and scratches on the wall those years. Its a good thing and also a bad one. Partially, I think its good that I was not born then so I use this medium to thank the spirits of my great great grandparents who didn't meet on time,they delayed meeting and shifted me to this generation,God bless your souls(I wonder if they can read this) you better join me and thank them or you think I'd have come to this world without dragging all of you from heaven.So,do you think they mean computing like computing with computers? Nooo,they mean computing like counting and writing down.Are you seeing what I'm seeing?All calclations were done with fingers,stones or scratches on the wall.Do you think life would have been easier or tougher? I thought about it for us, I'm showing you things from my point of view(I use glasses,clearer vision).I think the world would have been a better place because we would not have large numbers or tougher because we don't have ths large numbers too (lol,I'm confused shoo?) Let me borrow you my 3D glasses for few minutes.

In the era of fingers
Most of us have ten fingers,although there are special people who have more.So counting will be done with only our fingers,we can include our toes in technical cases.Do you even know what this means? MATHS,my people, would be a very simple subject and then we'd all be doctors(oya lie that you didn't go to arts because you dont/ didn't like maths,you are lying abi) There'd be nothing like simultaneous equations or quadratic equations,infact there'd be little or no division and multplication in the system.Exams would be very simple,Waec exams,if they exist will look like this:
1. Add your left fingers with your right fingers:
2. Add your left fingers.Add your left fingers again,subtract your right fingers
And for technical questions for geniuses like us #pops collar#
3. Add your left and right fingers. Add your right toes; where a right toe is equivalent to your left fingers.Add your right fingers again.
Your answers will be recorded like `//////////////' or '••••••••'
That'd be all and we'll all get our straight A's (atleast I'll get mine)
So you see? Since the only counting and computing methods will be by our fingers,our teachers/lecturers would not have to stress us all too much.And I never liked socks when I was in high school(if you think I am/was razz,na you know) so there'd be no socks since our toes would be counting devices also,,,,isn't that just so beautiful!! Its disadvantage;my mother will always show me just the left fingers each time I ask for allowance i.e only 5cowries or 5naira, so fingers isn't the way.

Scratches on the wall
So here,I think we'd just have to make tallies on the walls in our rooms,churches,exam rooms and BANKS.In your room for example,if your dad probably owes you allowance(cowries) for 3months,you'd have to scratch the wall( there'd be no papers) and count:
 Month: /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Month://///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Month:////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Final:///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////........I can imagine something like this on my room's wall(it looks beautiful anyways,) but when you are done scratching the wall,you wouldn't want to take the allowance anymore because you'll be so tired.To save you the 'stress' they'll reduce the allowance to like
Month:///
Month://
Month:
Final://///,because of this I don't like this method either.
However scratching the wall will also have its advantage(s) ,especially in exam halls..again(I thought of this during exams so don't blame me). If you forget the answer to a question for example,you can just go to the wall and start scratching after you have signalled to one of your "padis" who would come and join you in scratching the wall.It is going to be part of the laws of Nigeria that:
          "Students should be allowed to make scratches on the wall in
   exam halls and anybody who prevents them from scratching the wall will be....."
Probably sentenced to death so no lecturer will question you,
Even if any lecturer questions you because you don't need calculations for courses like law,linguistics,you could reply and tell them that you are calculating the date-_- This way also,the smart and good scratchers will finish with a first class,But because it will affect my allowance,I don't like this method either.
STONES
Finally,stones! In a world of stones,instead of powder in ladies' bags and earphones with the guys,we all will carry our stones .People like us will carry frOsh and neat stones,I'll customize my own stones sef(Mo).It will be easy when you want to buy just 1 thing like a pen or any singular item which isn't expensive but if it is something which is either not singular or not cheap,like errmmm,biscuits for your cousins disturbing you or Iphone for me(your girlfriend.if you are a girl,I'd be your brother's girlfriend and if you don't have a brother I'd probably be your favorite cousin's girlfriend) Conversations would be in this form:
You-I want to buy something(unzips bag and brings out nylon of stones)
Seller-Customer na wetin you wan buy
You-Biscuit
Seller-ok,how many?
You-(places bag of stones on table and counts stones,say 10)This many,how much?
Seller-(goes into his shop and brings out maybe 50 stones when the biscuit is 5naira/cowries each )..
You give him 50nara/cowries and go.It is easy right? Ok let's use iphone6 for an example of expensive sumtin.how much is it sef?let's say 150thousand naira/cowries:
You-Yo man! I want me some iphone6
Phone dealer-you the man boss,what color?
You-black,how much man
Phone dealer-ermm,hold on a second.(Goes into his shop and comes out with a ghana-must-go full of stones,sits down and gives you a chair to sit)its gonna take a long time to tell you how much it costs man,its quite large so grab that chair,watch me as I count and let me get you a drink.....
You know how long it'll take to count 150thousand right? Azzin one by one,do you? Me neither but I actually think we wouldn't have large figures inorder to avoid such difficulties.Anyways,we have computers now and even if I go about breaking calculators,it wouldn't change a thing....Thanks to Von Neumann for developing computer.
My point exactly: Since you don't have to go through the stress of counting stones.....get me Iphone,I don't care what number(1 or 6) and let's celebrate independence day togerra!

Thursday 4 September 2014

SO LONG a Quickie..

That feeling when you want to read..and sleep at the same time!that feeling is torture I'm telling you.I can't sleep,I cannot read and so I have been reading several blogs lataaro and I've been motivated...to read my books. But before I pounce on my books as my exams are staring at me,I have to do this post.
OK!! So I sincerely have to apologise for the long break in transmission,another mild break is coming up but I promise to be consistent after then.I checked my pageviews and I was WOWed,thank you for visiting,yes you! Even if you have not been leaving comments,I still take this time out to say a big THANK you....BUT dropping comments won't be a bad idea you know? Stop admiring me secretly and just come out clean.This is actually not the concluding part of my previous post,its just a post I have a strong urge to do because I want you all to know I'm still alive,still crushing on finefine boys,still reading my books and still single and so before I buzz off...let's have a quickie!(nyama! Wat were you thinking?)
  
What comes to your mind when you get a message from your bank??let me answer for you.,CRedit Alert. Since you already know you can decide to or not to check the message,right?? Right??
 My allowance isn't stable but since madre already promised me a lil cash the previous day,I just concluded she had fulfiled her promise when I got a message from my bank. I started smiling up and down,greeting everybody in my hall as the rich girl that I am and everybody looked less happy than I was(poor people,maybe they af not sent money to them).5k is not a joking matter. I already planned how I was going to spend the money, so I brought out my list: Pepper:200,fish:100,meat:250(if there's no change,buy300nara),handsanitizer:300,cereals:380(if they don't have Nasco,I wasn't planning to buy any other),panty liner:850(as per tush babe) body spray/perfume:1000..everything was sha close to 3k. I actually had 1k on me,plus the 5k my mum sent to me,,I decided to add more to the list,I planned to buy anything blue or purple,so after I crosschecked my list, I zoomed to the market(not Zoom actually,my car af not arrive,the market is not far from my hostel so. zoomedtrekked).I went to buy my soup ingredients first,I already planned to use POS at the supermarket.I spent roughly 900naira at the market(I bought maize and some other things that I have decided not to tell you because I don't want to tell you).As I go to the supermarket,I scanned around for fine boys(oh puhleassse,if by now you don't know how much I like fine boys and the fact that 5 out of 10posts might be about them, now you know) As the independent girl that I am,I bounced in,grabbed a basket and I was picking and picking and picking and picking till I could pick no more. As I got to the attendant,I gave her my atm card,the basket full of goodies obviously NOT worth more than 4k and I posed in a corner waiting for her to calculate,debit my account and gimme my goods and oscof my card.he looked at me and told me my account balance wasn't sufficient.ehn?? Say wetin?did I pay for callertunes with ATM ni because its only Mtn me I know can deduct money from your account and give you one oldschool callertune without your permission. I told her to try again and because customers are always right,she did try again.same response! Ah!! On top efrything I don pick today. I quickly went to my messages to check the alert I got the previous day and I got the shoker of life.The message was merely wishing me happy new month!(And a happy new year in advance) Mogbe!! I asked the girl for my bill and she told me two thousand and sixty naira,I checked my purse and discovered I only had 120naira,cheiii! I collected my ATM card in slow motion and just told her I had to get to my bank,I think she saw the money in my purse because she asked me if I needed transport fare. So as I took the eyepencil worth 50naira the only thing I could afford,I called my mum and she apologized for not sending the money,she promised to send it today. I'm not telling you if I've gotten the Real credit alert or not so you won't go and rob my bank account.
My point exactly; Never ignore a message,no matter how acquainted you are with the sender,even if it is MTN disturbing you with their usual 'do you need a job,do you need a brain,do you need a wife' messages,just read,it just might turn out to be a very useful one...

Aiiissssh... So how quick was that?? You feeling me??
So I'm signing out now,but I promise to be back..with hotter/cooler tales..fictions..stories..anything and everything!! Don't forget to drop a comment,I'll check my mailbox regualarly and your comment could be the one to brighten up the day#I'memotionallikethat# So I'll see you all after exams..if you stumble on this blog while I'm away..add the blog's address to your bookmark,I promise to be back #wipestears#
 Off to the battlefront,I have christ so victory is sure....ciao

Friday 8 August 2014

When THE Spirit Speaks(1)

The presence of God is the best place to be, praying and fellowshiping with the brethren is a fulfilling experience. My post today is going to be about one of my funny church experiences,so grab a seat,a nylon full of groundnuts and a cob of roasted maize(don't ask me where you'll get this night) and let the 'moonlight' tale begin.

        
  It was Valentine's day and I was single and I was a fresher and I was broke and I was sad and I needed comfort and so..I RAN to God.Yes!cast all your cares upon him for he careth,that bible verse catapulted me to the valentine's day speciale of one of my numerous fellowships 'Finding the Right Partner'.(I am not a fellowship whore,I just cannot resist the diverse moves of the holyspirit and the doughnuts they often share in some of those fellowships)
Most people spent that val's day cuddling,necking,spitting in the name of kissing,touching,smooching and doing all the very terrible 'ing's bad children , I spent mine worshipping,praying,tonguing,I'm a good child and you all know.The programme was slated for 5pm but I arrived the venue 4:15 mainly because I had a strong feeling that they might decide to give the first ten attendees a gift and it could be a rose, a teddy bear or anything red in color. If I got this I thought, I could upload my dp and the trending ' awwn,the bae gave me this' status, let the whole world know I got something afterall.
   The programme began few minutes to six and I wasn't even feeling it anymore, the choir ministration was a lullaby and they were passing offering basket, but I couldn't go back to my room,(not without a rose). The whole atmosphere changed when the invited guest;a woman of God arrived. Her heels announced her presence and the enchanting smell of her perfume performed its John the baptist's job effectively.This is the way I'd look if I become a pastor's wife,I just knew it.The elegance,the beauty,the aura,the grace,all painted a picture of yours truly in the very bright future.Her arrival was officially announced and she got on stage to deliver her life changing sermon. Even if I do not know her husband in person, the way she described the man reflected someone who has a face of Trey songz;my ex bf...in my dreams,the body of David Beckham my side dude..in my wildest dreams and John Legend's voice.In her words 'My gem is caring, has the face of an angel,has holyspirit packs and sings me to bed most nights' (that's all I ask for too o,except mine includes someone who loves cooking so I won't be the only one entering the goddamn kitchen) She was there to teach and not preach she said and so she taught us. She taught how to know if he is the right one,how to distinguish between the will of God and the pushing of the mortal body,getting it right and doing it right(the doing here is relative tho) and a lot more .When she wanted to discuss how to recognise the right one, she decided to illustrate with her own love story,this part I held on to, infact I remember how she said it although I do not remember word for word. I acted upon it and did it work for me?
   The lifechanging,life edifying,moodlifting,feeling enhancer,stress reducer,shortbutdetailed love story as told by my rolemodel:
I met my husband in my university days. This doesn't apply to everybody so if it doesn't work for you,it doesn't mean God has forgotten you.I was reading in the library with one of my friends when the holyspirit told me a guy would come and ask if we wanted to join an organization,he would be wearing a black shirt without a tie,the holyspirit told me that was my partner.I panicked at first because I was in my first year and having a partner was the last thing on my list.True to the holy spirit's word,My gem came and he fitted the description.He asked if I would like to join JCI,told me it was the best organization on campus and how it develops youth and prepares them for the future, by the way this is true people,JCI is a wonderful organization,I hope everyone here joins. I told him I was going to join,we became friends and the rest is now a beautiful history.
   We all applauded her and the rest of the teaching went in through my right ear and came out through my open mouth.That was the last part I heard,I started thinking about their meeting, ehnehn, library? JCI?black shirt? Library?like Library?? This same lbrary? I had to take a step,in the right direction,as fast as possible. Another offering basket ,menu menu and all followed in quick succession and as we parted,they gave each of us a rose yaaay!!. As I walked to my room alone, I thought of what she had said,the meeting part actually, Library? JCI? Blackshirt? The holyspirit actually gave this woman her John Legend in the library,who says I couldn't get mine, besides the library was built for students and since I am a student,I decided to go there the following day,to read my books. So you didn't know the library was built for students to read ?Now you know,don't thank me too much,that's one of the reasons I'm here. I got to my room with my Rose and my roommates were hailing me,they kept smelling one after the other like a sort of religious rite. As God would have it,the aboki perfume they poured on the roses was still smelling on mine ,they started mentioning different big big perfume names and I was just looking,something wey be say na oridinary perfume come dey bear expensive names like enchanteur, noveaux, rebeux, dreamwoman,activewoman,passive man e.t.c. I didn't even bother telling them it wasn't from a guy, what's my own? I sha had a rose but they smelt the rose sotey,the artificial rose withered.
    The next morning was a friday and I had just one class in the morning so after my class, I came back to my room and decided to try what the woman said and since she looks like me,(if you think Brandy looks like Nicki minaj)what works for her WILL work for me, I ignored the seemingly 'don't try this at home' warning she gave. I packed my books, Holy bible, the rosary one of my junior friends gave me as a parting gift when I left secondary school, I rubbed anointing oil on my forehead and drank a little.A warrior never goes to the warfront without weapon(s). I have to work before applying faith,although my role model's faith came before work,I didn't mind putting the horse before the cart. I packed everything into my bag,prayed for three minutes and off I went.
My smiling face was the mask by default, as I entered the library,the first guy I met was definitely not my gem, his diastema could house my front teeth(he was receiving a call,so yes I saw the window) his trousers was purple and he had a red top on,you said eeew too yeah? Same thing I said.The spirit had not spoken to me so I ignored him. As I got to the first floor, I made a quick survey of those reading there. I could see a lot of weaves and braids,there were more ladies than guys I calculated, the competition would just be too much and I couldn't deal so I moved to the next floor. Here I saw more bald heads, EXactly, I entered.
    I sat facing the entrance and kept on my smily face, I bowed my head and prayed for straight 5minutes making a total of 8minutes that morning,the highest I had gone in a long while. I waited for the spirit to talk to me, the spirit didn't (is the spirit male or female tho) I started reading,my rolemodel was reading when the spirit spoke,her mind wasn't roaming. I started reading a romance novel,the spirit still didn't speak,maybe I'm reading the wrong thing I thought so I began to read my bible,I did eyije,eyi o je (picky picky) and opened to psalm 141'o lord,I am calling to you,please hurry..'. Just incase you think I'm lying you shaid of devil,dust ur bible and open the passage. perfecto Reado!Alas! The spirit spoke or I thought I heard the spirit speak,
    
    ' Daughter of man,I have heard your cry, you constantly disturb my block builder application with your wailings in the morning,noon and night, your tears destroy my buildings,infact you just demolished one of my finest houses. So here is an answer to your prayers: the next guy that walks in holding a laptop is your husband,he'll come to you and ask for black pen but since you don't have,give him your blue pen,the spirit has spoken,I have to go start my building again'
I almost shouted glory but I remembered I was in the library. I kept calm, #ghen ghen#,my heart was racing.... Please be a fine and tall guy, be cute,for my sake.
 The guy walked in holding a laptop....

Friday 25 July 2014

The Shoe,Sandal,Slipper story

(Enters Miss Shoe)
Shoe: (surveys her environment and looks for a neat place to stay) Hello fans, I'm shoe and I'm size 40 because I was made in Nigeria. I'd be size8 if I came from UK but that's by the way. As you can see,I'm a black shoe and I have a really high heel. I hate water but I'm in love with polish,we've been dating since I was a little leather. To my best understanding,I'm the best thing that has ever happened to Mrs Foot, although I have jealous rivals (whispering) miss sandal and miss slipper. Look! Here comes miss slipper,she is here to antagonize me as usual.
    (Miss shoe moves aside, miss slipper slips in)

SLIPPER: Hi everyone,I'm slipper and I'm size 40. I have a really comfortable sole and I'm easy to slip on. Unlike shoe, I cause Mrs foot little or no pain on her ankle and waist region. For this reason,I've been with Mrs foot to big weddings,naming,birthday,burials,toilet and sometimes bathroom,yes! I'm water resisitant. I'm Mrs foot's favorite wear and miss shoe cannot dispute this. Even at times when Mrs foot wears her to these parties, she keeps me in her bag because of the comfort I bring. Come rain,hurricane,fire and what have you I'l always be there to aid Mrs feet's speed, I an sure Miss shoe must have told you I'm her rival,pay no attention to her,the only one I see as a potential rival is Miss sandal because she also can be as comfy as I am. I'm not saying we are equal tho,she admits that I'm her senior(adjusts foot hole) Here comes Miss sandal with her ugly strap.

(Miiss slipper moves aside,enters Miss Sandal with her buckle undone,this causes her to trip but swiftly she gets up and adjusts)

SANDAL: My name is sandal. Hi there,errm sorry permit me to start again. Hi there,My name is sandal and I'm the prettiest possession anyone could acquire. Some people call me gladiator depending on my appearance which changes a lot. One thing about a gladiator is strength and true to my name,I'm a strong footwear. My waist is lined with a sexy strap which houses a beautiful buckle and this holds Mrs foot from falling off. Slipper,the slippery chick must have told you how mrs foot goes everywhere with her,Liar!!! Last week, there was fire outbreak at Mrs Foot's office and she was wearing slipper, as she ran down the stairs,slipper got so tired and fell off her which made her walk home bare and causing slipper to sleep at the office.It was the next week she was found lying bruised and partially burnt near the cubicle at the office's waiting room. If Mrs foot had me on,I would have transported her safely.It is in realization of this that Mrs foot now takes me everywhere(bats eyelashes)

SLIPPER: Now that you have displayed your parroting skill,what have u gained? Are you higher or neater? Mrs Foot has a program in another church today and she is taking me along. Do you even know how much I'm worth?? She shows me off at the slighest opportunity remember? And she just painted her nails,she'd want to show those off too (smiles confidently)

SHOE: Enough slipper! How much?? How much are u worth??? 2thousand naira? 3thousand naira?? Cheap footie. She parted with 20 thousand naira asides delivery fee just to bring me here. I have a front opening so what makes you think she can't show off her newly painted nails putting me on? She is taking me to church,of this I'm sure.

SANDAL: Bloody shoe,Watery slipper. She cleaned me with passion yesterday. I'm positive she is going out with me
 SHOE: You lie! She is going out with me,I'm always clean.Polish is my boyfriend remember??
SLIPPER: Deceive yourselves, she'll pick me
SANDAL: Pfftt,dumb footies,let's wait and see
 SLIPPER: Pffft yourself sandal,pfffffft your whole self!
   (Enters Mrs Foot)
(Pacing up and down eyeing the footies. She hisses and makes to leave_
Mrs FOOT: Ugly old Footies. Today, I choose to walk bare
 (Hisses and leaves)
 The end....
 MORAL: Most times, quarreling isn't the way. We all are unique in our different ways. Pointing out the flaws of another doesn't change anything because sometimes at the end,no one gets picked.

Saturday 19 July 2014

Who you dont want(Blame the devil)

I was too tired to wait for my friends so I decided to go to my hostel alone. I was waiting for a cab with two other guys and two ladies,I already planned on how I was going to push anybody pushable whenever the first cab arrived because it had started to drizzle and I had clothes on the line. A cab stopped and one of the ladies I was with shouted 'drop'(incase you don't know what this implies: she wanted the cab all to HERSELF), Ehn!! what did this one just say,I thought, only you will now enter the cab okwa ya? She was lucky the cab man didn't pick her because I'd have done something really embarrassing. So I entered the cab with the two dudes and the other girl,I sat by the window and I gave her the 'ntooor' look. It was halfway I discovered that I was in a cab with cute guys(I have a thing for fine boys yo) I need new fine boys in my life so I sneezed(yes,I can fake a cold too and in times like this,sneezing is just the perfect action) the guys didn't even look up let alone say 'bless you' and therefore didn't say 'bless you cutie' (the actual thing I wanted to hear). I thought they didn't hear so I sneezed again,tweeh,they were just glued to their phones,even the girl sef didn't answer me. When I was already envisaging a tiff between both of them over who'd pay my cab fare. It was as if their girlfriends too had told them not to say 'bless you' to sneezing ladies in public. They both brought out just the right amount for their fare and gave the driver,ahnahn where are these stingy boys from naa, didn't you learn how to treat those who were in need (not in need of their money actually,the attention) When we alighted,one was going in my direction and so I quickly walked up and made sure I was walking in his front, my inner man told me he was too shy to approach me in the cab and was scared as he didn't know what my reaction would be so I decided to make his job easier. I was wearing a white shirt and black skirt as usual and I expected him to notice me from behind(I'm not tooting my horn,but most people do...before I lost weight) the cloth was quite smart(if you know what I mean by smart) and I was waiting for him to tap me but No oo,he didn't even touch the hem of my garment. Vrooom, he walked past me,still pressing his phone,chaii, this dude must be gay how can he not notice me? You think you are a fast walker abi,today you have met your better half. I increased my pace and overtook him, now I intensified the buttocks swaying, this matter is very serious but still this guy didn't tap me. It took me a few minutes to realize that I was on my own, I was towing the narrow part alone, azzin the dude wasn't even walking anymore,I looked back,he already stopped and I thought he was waiting for a cab.Cheesus,mumu ni padi yii o, how can you leave me to walk on my own , why would he not tell me we were stopping to wait for a cab. Today today, you will ask for my number,I brought out my phone and pretended like I was making a call so I reversed and was like 'you are at home? I'm coming let me get a cab' So I stood next to him again and I this time I knew he was definitely going to look at me. My shoes were very beautiful and my legs should atleast attract him and make him trace those legs up to the face (like those Indian movies) By now he was smiling at his phone so I assumed he already took a sneak peek when I was looking away. Oya baby talk na,ask for my name, he didn't,he still kept pressing that annoying phone. I was becoming so impatient, Holy spirit, helper of the helpless ,make his phone fall and crash into a million pieces ,make him loose all his contacts and leave him with no option than to collect my phone to put a call through to his brother, he'll tell me how grateful he is,call me a life saver, collect my number and call me at night ,ask if we could meet up to thank me the more,we meet up,we start dating,we live happily ever after in our condo in las vegas and I'll tell my children this story on our 20th wedding anniversary. I came back to reality when this silver Hyundai Equus 2013model stopped in front of us,we were not married,he doesn't even know my name. I assumed the car stopped for me and I was already thinking of how I was going to answer the dude driving the car in a way that'll make this guy jealous and realize that I just wanted to manage him ni. The driver whined down the window screen and it was a lady behind the wheels(I'm straight joor,just go away and hit on another lady) She was a beautiful lady, a very beautiful lady,infact beautiful is an understatement,she was smiling at the guy. 'Babe,I'm sorry I kept you waiting' she said as the guy entered the front seat, she pecked her right in my presence, (oh,so it wasn't for me you stopped? This life isn't fair) I heard her asking this guy if I was his friend and the dude was like 'noooooooo' The way this guy said the 'noooo' catapulted my hand into my handbag in search of my mirror(what in pete's name is wrong with my face). They zoomed off and left me standing with this other guy and that one was looking at me and smiling,eeew see the dentition. 'Sister na where you dey go,na my okada dey there, he said as he pointed at one yamayama okada,na for free I go carry you o,you be fine girl. I hissed and made to walk away,its not your fault I thought to myself,that was when I realized I wasn't in front of my school anymore,I wasn't even close to my school,I quickly walked back and asked the guy,bros abeg na where be this,when he told me my mouth hung. Chaii on top say I wan make fine boy collect my number,my mother thought me better than this o(it was the devil,my inner man whispered to me,the devil made you enter the cab with him,the DeVIL) How much to my school I asked him,he told me 30naira but that he'd take me for free,I smiled at him and told him oya. When I got down in front of my hostel's main gate, the guy told me to wait and he brought out his phone and pointed it at me,I was like for what,he said number. Ehn iwo ati tani, kilagbe kiloju (what did we carry,what did you throw) I smiled at him ,clutched my bag wella and I technically flew inside my hostel's compound. Thank God they don't allow visitors in before 4'o clock,which mouth will I use and tell my friends the story. I blame the devil,I blame him so much.

Friday 11 July 2014

SLIM et THICK

#Been long you saw me# You missed me right? I missed me too. Blame my brief absence on lack of inspiration and partially on busy schedule but all the same I'm here,atleast for now. So my post today isn't about any embarrassing experience(sorry to disappoint you) its gonna be about you and I;I'm so romantic I know right. Actually its not about you and I exactly,its about our bodies #clears throat# pastor abeg come back, it isn't a sexual post. Before I proceed, be sure to know that I'm typing obviously what I think and if you think otherwise,ermm try and think a little like me,na naija we dey rebrand so. Fat and thin are the classical words used for someone who has extra fat and someone who has 'less fat' respectively but I bring you tender words,ladies and gents, I introduce to you THICK and SLIM,*loud ovation* thank you, thank you,have your seats please. You see the words fat and thin seem offensive to me and its not like one's size should be a bad thing. Although some people see thick and slim as equally offensive words, I think they are not as harsh as fat and thin so if we can't avoid referring to someone's size,let's make use of thick and slim. Most of us use the fat and thin words very often and we think I'm sha not lying,she is very fat or she is too thin and moreover I'm calling a spade a spade,nice perspective my dear,but hold on and reason with me,I'm not encouraging us to lie but don't you think to call a spade a shovel if only to make the word 'longer' or so it contains the letter 'v' isn't a bad idea? I don't think it is and I know you wouldn't too if it's just the letter 'v' you need to complete a puzzle. Let me share my experience with you and how the 'thick' word brought me some sort of relief. Sometimes ago,I was adding weight but I didn't notice. My clothes were getting tighter and some of my friends felt it was awkward but I felt it was cool because the fat brought out my curves and hell yeah I loved the attention,but a friend of mine(a guy actually) walked up to me and was like you are getting too fat oo eh by the time you reach final year you go don big door no go fit contain you.....I stared at the door and back at myself and felt a little scared because if I couldn't go through that door,there is no way in heaven my husband would be able to lift one of my legs,but I feigned a smile and I was like 'my boo isn't complaining' though deep inside I felt bad. I went on a diet,or so I think, I cut down my calories intake,stopped eating late;I began sleeping early so I wouldn't be tempted to eat. I was too timid to run around our neighbourhood so I kept running round the open space behind my house. I'd stand in front of the mirror and squeeze my thighs as if that'd reduce the fat, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and I compared myself to everyone. I got 'slimming' tea sef, I'd take it in the morning and night and afternoon sometimes but shuooo,I wasn't seeing any changes. Few weeks after I started this 'slimming' journey, one of my big sisters came around and was just staring at me,I felt uncomfortable initially but when she told me she wished she had my stature I started to blush. She told me 'thick' was the in-thing and she really wished she had more flesh,I just kept smiling and scolding myself for wanting to slim down in the first place. Some days after, I was taking a stroll with one of my thick friends and we were both 'thicking' our asses..a guy walked up to us and asked to see my friend, when she came back,she told me the guy said he liked her thickness,I feigned anger because I don't think its polite if you tell a girl you like her because of her stature but I felt pleased,even though it wasn't me he approached which was quite sad but atleast,he strengthened my notion of the word 'thick' instead of 'fat' because my friend's mood lightened too,I concluded that it wasn't just me. I wouldn't have felt bad about my size if not because of what that guy told me and I wouldn't have felt pleased either if not coz of what the lady told me and what the other guy told my friend. You might think what others say should not affect us,but let us be realistic,we often think about their opinions and try to console ourselves with sweet words.My point exactly,I think we all should be appreciative of our bodies,be it thick or slim. I think we should also appreciate others, thick or slim. Its not going to be easy replacing the words fat and thin with thick and slim but it wouldn't hurt if we give it a try. The dictionary and other sources will definitely define these words as different terms but that's none of our business, our business is how our words and actions affect others and if using thick instead of fat changes someone's perception why not? It isn't deception I tell you, it is thoughtful selection. Also,it isn't the size that matter, it is the content and if you won't even give the content the chance to manifest because you think 'she's fat,she can't be nice' or 'she's too thin,she'll break if I touch her' you might be losing someone important .I'm guilty of calling others 'too thin' or 'fat' so I'm not excluding myself but I think if we all appreciated the sizes of one another,the world will be a better place and if you don't want the world to be a better place just remember if we are all of the same size,we'd all wear the same cloth size and that very beautiful dress you love or that smashing pair of shirt you really admire would not be hanging in your wardrobe because the person who was in the store just before you picked up the clothing loved it but couldn't buy it because it wasn't the right size.So show some love,rock your body,help him/her rock her body(chill,not on the bed o) and let's rock these beautiful bodies together.

Wednesday 2 July 2014

#Zoned

Happy new month everyone,may the month bring happiness,joy,love, money and moorrre money. Ain't we all victims of zoning? its either we are zoning someone or someone zones us,the only different thing is our reaction. As a person,i don't like being zoned,it makes me think I'm not being seen as a lady,which is quite painful(mops tears) but it happens to me often and I turn it intto a case of 'do me I do you'.You see,if any guy ever puts me in the sister zone,I brotherzone him too and I automatically adopt his surname.As it is,I presently have 5'brothers' and five different surnames. When any of these brothers now try to leave this zone or ' unsister' zone me,it makes me sad because I see it as an act of incest, an abomination and even the bible is against it. There was this guy I met 2years ago,initially I liked him and there were beautiful butterflies but overtime they became worms and crawled out of my belly because he sister-zoned me. I was the one setting P for him with one of my friends and when my friend dumped him,he realized I was his first love and that his face had been masked all the while but I made him realize my own first love already found me and we already gave our children names even though I was still single. If he had asked me out initially maybe I'd have said yes,but he didn't and so he entered my own brotherzone and he is still enjoying the zone. Last year,I also met a guy who isn't so cute but has a very good attitude(I already said I was going to manage him o) but it appeared he thought I was too good for him(he said 'not too good' actually) so he sister_zoned me, his own zoning was very bad, each time he messaged me he was always adding 'sis' to everything (I just ate sis, lol sis, no sis, tomorrow sis e.t.c) He kept driving home the point that I was nothing more than a sister,he even stored my name with 'le sis' I felt pained but there was nothing I could do. I already gba kamu so when he recently started making funny moves I was surprised(he finally realized his parents has just 4sons) but I already prepared for him because I was hurt and so I made sure he realized I was his sister. I kept sending him 'sisterly' messages, waking him up with messages like goodmorning to the best brother in the world,when God made brothers he gave me the best bla bla bla, he realized what I was doing and he started 'loling' without adding the 'sis' he even told me we were not related as his father has only has 1 wife and his mother 4sons(he just snapped out of his coma),I made him realize we were related and I even picmixed our pictures,wrote 'siblings forever' and told him people said we looked so much alike. He tried all he could to unsister zone me but mba! It can never happen,once a brother,always a brother. Guys! My point exactly,if you like someone,don't put them in any zone at all not even bestfriend zone, make them know you like them and its not just the platonic likeness, if they agree,good and if they don't it'll be on record that you said something. I'm not advising you to go around confessing love to every girl but atleast make sure you are not sisterzoning a girl you like because if she thinks like me and adopts you as a brother you may never get out of the zone .If you have therefore zoned any girl that you like,try and revert it and if its irreversible,its God that catch you. Ladies,stop zoning too, if you like the bobo tell am,I'm not saying make the first move(you could tho if you get mind) but atleast you know what gimmicks you can use to make him realize you don't see him as a brother. #SayNoToZoning#

Sunday 29 June 2014

HAPPILY EVER AFTER...

We are leaving this country Zirah and I think this time its for real,Jared said. She couldn't believe what she just heard,she had fallen so much in love with this guy who was 3years younger than she was. She was from a royal family and even a different country but still she fell in love with this blacksmith's son. So what will become of me she said with a gloomy face, you expect me to do what??? Let you go? After all I've been through. Jared was confused,they had to leave the country,their ancestors had been there for 430 years and every 2years,a 'fake' seer always proposes to take them out of this country but now he had a feeling the man with the beautiful walking stick he met at the townsquare was for real.Then come with me,he said looking at her and noting the expression on her face,her face was as blank as a dummy's exam sheet,he couldn't tell what she was thinking. I'll come with you Jared,I can't live here without you but first,you have to tell me where we are going,is it the land where those giants in the pictures reside or the land flowing with milk and honey that we have always dreamt about.. The land of milk and honey Zirah..and I promise you'll never suffer for a day. She didn't hear the last of it,she raced home,packed her garments and the beautiful iron bear he made for her the last general sabbath. Without saying a word,she raced to Jared's house. she met his mother placing a red mark on their doorpost,she tried to help her hold the stool on which she climbed but she couldn't,the boil in her armpit wouldn't let her. She remembered how the boil came to be, Jared told her to come to their place the day before boil struck their land but she wanted one of her mother's maid to make her hair so she didn't go and that night when the first boil appeared at the back of her head,she felt it was beulah's hand that was too tight when she was making her hair so she applied shear butter by the next morning when she got up and wanted to cleanse her face,she couldn't believe what she saw,her whole face was covered with boils.As she ran to the midwife's place she saw everyone with boils, but after her father did what the man with the beautiful walking stick said the boils disappeared,except this one in her armpit. Her mother constantly teased her that she didn't have her bath well because her own boil was as a result of dirtiness. She just kept staring at Jared's mother has she kept marking all the doorposts in the compound, everybody already accepted her and so she wasn't questioned when she headed for Jared's room,she sat there and kept waiting for him to arrive. He came back a little too late and Zirah questioned him about what she saw his mother doing earlier that day, he explained to her that the man with the beautiful walking stick told all of them to kill a day old lamb and mark their doorpost with it,he called it 'passover'. She said ok but she suddenly remembered it was that same man with the beautiful walking stick that told her father what solved the whole boil and other diseases problem. Jared told her they were leaving the next day and she didn't complain but her mind was disturbed. Was something going to happen if the houses in Egypt were not marked?? She had only 1 sister and she loved cheith so much. That night when everybody was asleep,she tiptoed to Jared's mother's closet and poured a little of the blood. She ran to their house and marked her mother's doorpost,cheith slept there so they'd both be safe.She went to her father's room and marked his doorpost with the blood too,she felt ok with that. The eldest wife suddenly found her at her door as she was about to mark her room's door and she was angry,she started shouting at her calling her a witch and chased her away,nobody in the house woke up and so she went back to Jared's house.And that night at midnight,the Lord struck down all the firstborn sons in the land of Egypt,fron the firstborn son of pharaoh,who sat on hsi throne,to the firstborn son of the prisoner in the dungeon.Even the livestock were killed(Exodus 12 vs29).The next morning,the whole land of Egypt woke up wailing,there were dead people in each house and they were all firstborns. Zokotah the firstborn of Pharaoh was dead but surprisingly,pharaoh wasn't dead even though he was also the firstborn of his own father. Zirah on hearing this became scared,so her father would have died if she hadn't marked his doorpost,she felt relieved that she saved her father but felt sad that Zokotah was dead. She explained to Jared what she did and he wasn't mad at her. Her father already told them to leave the land but when he found out Zirah was with Jared,he was vexed,he couldn't let him take away his daughter without paying her bride price so he sent for him and his family .And so on that day Zirah got married to Jared in Goshen and she became an Israelite by marriage,this qualified her to join them in moving away from Egypt into the land flowing with milk and honey ermm..and they lived happily ever after.... (Death of Egypt's firstborn and the Exodus from Egypt as retold by me) happy sunday everyone and happy belated birthday to Ezinne. The peace of almighty God be with you all.

Saturday 28 June 2014

MINISTRY...

The other day,I ate too much. I was in my friend's room and her roommate prepared jollof rice and dodo,I didn't want to appear proud so when she offered me,I just managed and ate the food but I was still hungry. When I got back to my room and met my roommate taking fufu and egusi soup,I pounced on it and we washed it down with 5alive (as per tush girls) but I still wasn't satisfied,maybe because I took drugs sha,I didn't have money to buy food so I went to another friend's room (call me alatenuje,the Lord knows your house number) she wasn't around but her roommate was and she was a little busy in the kitchenette so I stylishly got busy too,I helped her lay her bed and I started reading (isshh,nothing stuck o) when she came back and found her bed laid,she was so happy and offered me food, at first I said no but she insisted and I was like 'ah,ok oo,if you insist,so you won't say I don't like you' so I took my 3rd dinner,a plate of concotion rice and beans. Do you blame me?Who can say no to free food? Show me a man who can and I'll prove to you that the man has ulcer or is it diabetes? But everything has its side effect(s) and believe me the side effects of over eating na die. Ranging 4rm incessant visits to the toilet,to belching(egg flavor,palmwine flavor etc) and finally releasing atomic bombs from the rectum and thereby causing air pollution. I had constipation the next day and it was on a tuesday(tuesday is my fellowship's bible study) I didn't want to go for the bible study because when I constipate (which happens often) its never possible for me to control the rate at which I pollute air but I couldn't miss fellowship either so I decided to go and at least try to control the rate at which I'd disturb their noses and mouths when we shouted GLORY. I got to church and sat at the back,I was so lucky,I was the only one on the row. I felt relieved,I could release as much product as I wanted,it was my territory. 'GLORY To GOD' the sister in charge shouted, GlOoory we echoed, mine was different because the smell from my mouth was definitely glorious. I bet the girl in front of me perceived this smell because she looked back and I just gave her this very sweet innocent smile and she smiled back. I sighed, 30mins later,I was still in my paradise of stench when one cute first timer entered,I didn't see him before then and I've not seen him after, fine boy looking dOctORy,I left a smile on my face so atleast he'd come and sit beside me,I already forgot my ministry for that day. My charm worked, he sat beside me,little did I know his ministry was greater than mine. I greeted him and he responded ..dayuuumm, perfect voice,he'll sing me to bed every night for the rest of our glorious lives,I thought to myself. We shared my bible and that was when I was ministered to by the spirits in my stomach,I released one badtt gas like that and oh Boy, the guy's eyes became blurry,me sef, I didn't know I was that talented. I still maintained my smiling face and he kept taking quick glances at me and nodding his head, I was so embarrassed but can such reflex action be controlled? I belched( egg flavor) but that one wasn't so smelly,if the sister had not said 'turn to your neighbor and say you are God's general' he wouldn't have smelt it, he looked at me and I knew he was thinking 'oloorun wo leleyi' (what kinda smelly person be this) I just kept smiling and he kept nodding,little did I know I wasn't even half as good as this guy. He decided 2 surprise me and believe me, I was really surprised,he released gas ,my eyes became blurry instantly and I felt like I was going to choke,but I couldn't cover my nose because he didn't cover his when I showed him the power of a constipating lady. The table turned,he was the one smiling and I was the one doing the nodding, he proved to me that what a woman can do a man can do better. I was so vexed, how dare he defile the temple of the Almighty God! smelly creature sha,I eyed him for the rest of the service. Even with the warm reception the guy was given,he never came to our fellowship after that day and I still don't know why. Before I go,let me sound a note of warning, if we ever happen to be together,we are alone or with so many people and somebody pollutes or something else spoils the atmosphere,if you give me that 'I-know-you-did-that' look, I'll change it for you oh! Thanks so much for visiting and I hope you'll visit tomorrow..Don't forget to drop a comment,boost my ego small..

Friday 27 June 2014

Crush 1..(childhood Wedding)

According to Merriam Webster dictionary,a crush is an intense and usually passing infatuation. The same Merriam Webster dictionary defines infatuate as:            
1.To cause to be foolish deprive of sound judgment
2 :To inspire with a foolish or extravagant love or admiration.
   Skweez me, who knows merriam webster ? (Don't refer me to google) He/She has so many questions to answer,I mean we need to have a heart to heart talk on this crush issue. I'd have loved to to narrate this tale using a linear plot system (I attended my prose and drama classes religiously in year1 so I know what linear plot is) but I do not even know the beginning so let me just start from where I remember (episodic plot....my mum isn't wasting her money)
    Right from childhood,say 9years,I've been crushing on boys,men,food,toys,houses,etc etc , my own 'crushing' is terrible but I've sha not killed before(I've killed wit my mind tho). I remember 1 boy like that,tunde by name,he is officially my First crush,the only genuine one sef,others are just by the way(I'll tell you about them later) .We attended same church and I usually looked forward to going to church because of him. He was a chubby boy and a nice person (he used to buy pongila;stick sweet for me with #5 out of his #10 offering). I was a fervent churchgoer as little as I was,if my mum says we were not going to church,I would be so vexed and at times like that I wished I was old enough to trek alone (our church wasn't far from our house and even if it were,I was soo ready to trek d distance). Tunde was a good drummer (permit me to use was because I dunno where he is now and so I'm not sure if he still drums but I'm sure he is studying MBBS) and I think that's why I still have a thing for drummers. We'd hold hands in church whenever there was no light and he smiled at me all the time. I'm very positive if we didn't move from that street,he'd have proposed to me with that #20 milk candy ring and I'd have gladly said YES (ermm before we go further! guys,intending suitors,that was then o,if you think you'll wife this lady without a diamond studded white gold ring,you have jonzed ) My family left that street and we lost contact,we didn't have access to phones then, prolly I'd have gotten his number . I remember his birthday party before we left the street,my mum didn't let me go because she didn't want to go,can u imagine? She didn't let me go to my husband's birthday party because she wanted to make her hair and she wanted me to be the one giving the hairdresser the wool for making her hair,I was just giving the TWO both of them attitude throughout ni,my mum knew the reason so she purposely sent me to their area( remember we were staying on the same street) to get her something I don't remember,when I saw them doing round-the-chair at the party, I started crying and my eyes were so red that the igbo woman that sold to me thought I was an house girl and my madam was maltreating me(she was new on our street so she didn't know us yet).I don't remember what happened afterwards but Tunde,if u ever read this pleaseeee just buy that milkcandy ring and make my childhood wedding a reality..(We can have our las vegas wedding afterwards) So you see why I agree with the infatuate definition. I was foolish, I cried because of boy,iffa hear say I cry now emi BOSS, but merriam webster's definition of crush should be changed,the feeling hasn't passed because every time I meet a good drummer,I remember him (if u have a boyfriend that answers tunde and drums well,sister you are boo_less o,he has a wife already). Ermm...Fast forward,I'm presently crushing on 4guys. Shhhh...I hope my secret is safe with you.

Thursday 26 June 2014

Those days.. These days

I miss my childhood days. Let's talk about my childhood in church, I'm positive you will find something similar to your experience as a kid too. When I was a kid, 'Altar call' wasn't complete if I was not at the altar, if I wasn't there, the pastor had probably not counted to '10'. I practically gave my life to christ everyday and I did this without being condemned but now I can't try that, I know people in my church who'll assume I'm confessing and re-dedicating my life because I aborted. I miss my days in church as a kid when I could go to church without tying my head and nobody will give me that 'Oh-ye-daughter-of-jezebel look' now if I go with a small scarf and not a thick pashmina, they'll start telling me 'See me after the service' .I miss my days in church as a kid when I could sleep as much as I wanted and nobody disturbed my peaceful sleep, now its either my mum is wearing dis stern look that says 'every prayer point is for you' or my crush is on the opposite side constantly staring at me and since I sleep with my mouth open (don't even beef me) I wouldn't want to embarrass myself. I miss my days in church as a kid when I could take biscuits and carry my water bottle to church and no one crucified me, now if I try that, all those nursing mothers will start shaking their heads for me telling me 'nkan to ye komo kekere ma se ko korrect e' (wat a kid shld b doing). I miss my days in church as a kid when I could go to church without a jotter and a bible, my mum's bible was for us all, now I have to carry at least 2 versions of the bible to make my bag fat. I miss my 'mummy tie my belt' dresses,they were so beautiful and made me look like a princess now I have to look matured and wear uniform every sunday. I miss my church days when I could sing 'off key' and still feel like a boss(atleast I knew the lyrics) now I can't try that because I'm expected to lay good example for the younger ones. I miss my church days when I painted the faces on my souvenir jotters and when the couple in the picture saw it, they just assumed "omode lo n se" (she is being childish) I remember the last time I tried this and the sister in the picture saw it,she yabbed me ehn and she even said someone will do the same to me (I said amen o)....That's all I remember for now. So what do we have in common?Do you remember any of your own church days? Do share it as a comment

Wednesday 25 June 2014

Heyoo!!

Yaaay!!!  I finally got the liver to open my own blog.Procastination and cold feet has been stopping me from opening a blog,but after series oF consultation with thE elders I have decided to do this, let's see how good this can get.So let the show begin, I declare the blog open in the name of the Father,the Son and the Holy spirit. You may now kiss the bride