PB

  You know what they say about “what you know how to eat best killing you”? Well, I recently discovered that “what you listen to best may fall your hand”.
I was with potential boo (hereinafter referred to as PB) when his mum called to ask if his weekend would be free, the responsible somebody told his mum he was going to get back to her and he ended the call to ask what I thought of going together. I initially said he could go without me but he insisted that we go together and I eventually said yes.Our unborn babies leaped for joy; dada was taking mama to see grandma. 

That Saturday morning, I ironed my dress so hard the iron almost stopped working. We got to their place and his mum was glad to see us; me especially. He introduced me to her as his “very good friend” and then he whispered something into her ear and she smiled. His younger sister and brother were also very glad to meet me. His elder sister was giving attitude for reasons best known to her. Set to impress, I joined the mum and her two daughters in the kitchen and helped with some petty chores. I helped PB’s brother clean his ass when he finished passing out shit, something that irritates me like the shit itself and I almost volunteered to help trim the flowers in their compound.

Later on, we all sat in the living room (except PB), to watch a Christian message broadcast. So where are you from? PB’s mother asked and I answered. “My best friend in my university days is from there and she was and still is a very nice lady”, she said smiling.  I smiled back and was silently thanking the best friend for “repping” my people well. Then out of the blue, she asked “What kind of music do you listen to”.  The girlfriend in me wanted to scream “aarrrrgh emi omo Nicki Minaj ati Future; awa ti Olamide badooo, ehn emi eyan Reminisce alaga ibile” but the wife and mother in me suppressed her. PB once mentioned how much his mum likes Tope Alabi, Baba ara and Sinach and let me chip it in that PB’s dad is a pastor and PB’s mum is by that calling a pastor’s wife, so I told her/ lied that I love Tope alabi, Yinka ayefele, baba ara, bola are and I mentioned a few gospel singers that are quite popular. She was nodding as I was making the list and it was obvious that she was very impressed. Children of nowadays don’t listen to such good music, they only listen to those “iyeyeye” songs that add no meaning to their lives, she said. “That’s true ma”, I said, “I don’t like all those kind of songs, good Christian songs inspire me a lot. I’m a chorister in my church and I even compose songs” I added when nobody asked me.

 That very moment, the demon of lie/ the spirits of all the true choristers that don’t sing off key and don’t miss rehearsals decided to put my enemy to shame. Something that sounded like my phone began to ring.  ”Tantantantan…tantantantan…tantantan…eyin omo wobe; wobe, eyin omo wobe; wobe, mo gbo information” I ignored it and PB’s sister that had been shaking her head for me all along was like “pick your call na”. Oh…ermm, I did not know it was my phone, I stuttered as I brought out my phone to turn it off. The mother said she likes the beat and asked if it was Yinka Ayefele’s new release.  Yinka kini, I thought and quickly said no.  I told her that I am from “Wobe local government” and that the song is for the preservation of our cultural heritage and to hail us such that when we hear “eyin omo wobe”, we say “wobe”…

When PB came back and I told him what happened, he could not stop making jest of me. He later told me that his elder sister had told their mum I  was lying when I left and she had googled  the lyrics of “bobo” and even “ladi” by lil kesh, olamide and phyno (a picture of a part of ladi’s lyrics is attached to this post), I wanted to faint . Although the mum was disappointed that I lied, PB did not mention anything about her telling me not to come near him. So people of God, send the names of the gospel songs you know, I am a changed person now.

P:S: I fell in love with “hooka” by tyga ft young thug while writing this post… don’t tell me I’m going to hell.

P.S.S: thanks to my baby, oluwaseun for putting this post up for me this night as my device refused to cooperate

Mistake

There had been no light in their area for quite a while. Frustration made her consider trying what she saw in a picture earlier that day on a neighbour’s friend’s phone; a guy charging his phone with a stove. She knew it was a joke but she had a strong urge to try it. What if it actually works? she thought as she approached the kitchen to bring out one of their three haggard stoves. The stoves had been passed down to her family when their owners bought electric cooker or gas; the last hand down was 3years ago. Nobody had given them a stove after then… because nobody else on the street had gotten an electric cooker or gas.

She checked for kerosene and found a considerable amount and she silently begged God to make the charging technique work. She was keen on powering on her phone that night because she had to play “Snake Xenzia”, the only game her phone had. She had seen a particular game on the neighbour’s friend’s phone earlier and although she heard the guy saying the name of the game was “temple run”, her mind told her that it was when she got to certain levels in Snake Xenzia that it automatically becomes that game. Ah, yes, there was light in the guy’s area but No, she could not go there to charge because they had dogs neither could she give him the phone to charge for her because the phone’s charging point was verrrry bad and she always has to sit in a way such that the phone’s charger touches her hand. If she removes her hand, the phone stops charging; the phone is what you call “FejeRun” (it requires human blood to function)


Aunty, what are you doing again? Her younger brother asked as he entered the dim room. The dimness of the room did not stop her from seeing his head which was as big as a mini Olumo rock and his stomach which was the Olumo rock itself. I’m cooking my phone she said as she shouted the boy out of the room. He had said “again” because earlier that day while she was fetching water from the well, she saw something that looked like a 500naira note in the well and had made to enter the well to pick it. If not for the timely presence of one of their male neighbors, she would have entered to pick the money which turned out to be one of the cut papers her younger brother and his friends use as money when they acted their silly dramas. Her mother had sat on the floor all afternoon crying and telling everyone that cared to hear that “mammy water” spirit was pushing her daughter to come to them… she knew her mum knew somewhere deep within her that it was the spirit of poverty directing her steps.

She lit a match stick and held the phone right above the stove. “charge please charge” she began to chant and she later switched to “I command you in Jesus name, begin to charge” she was tempted to go into her mum’s Ghana must go and take anointing oil so she could rub it on the phone but she decided against it because she remembered how much it cost her mum to buy one and how precious it is to her. The phone was very hot after five minutes and it still refused to hear the word of God and come on. She could no longer hold it with her bare hands so she dropped the phone and rushed to bring one of her clothes to hold it, she thought she dropped the phone on the ground but she didn’t. She came back to the room with a piece of clothing and she picked up the phone which she had dropped right on the stove…


Aye mi! Eri! Eri! Eri oooo! She could hear a voice calling her name… that was her mum’s way of waking her every morning without the “aye mi” part so she could go hawk pap for the day. She wanted to stretch on her mat but she could not move her body, had her younger sister rolled on top of her again? “Doctor please, I do not have 150 thousand naira. The only 2500 I have, I lost in the fire” she heard her mum say. There was a doctor in their house? She tried to open her mouth and ask her mother who was sick and why she could not just take the person to the State Hospital but her lips were inseparable, she tried to open her eyes but she could not. Then she began to feel the pains, her body was on fire. It felt like she had been cut in several places and pepper had been poured right into the cuts. She wanted to scream and beg whoever was pouring the pepper to stop and wash it off but she could not. She heard the doctor saying that the 150 thousand naira was only just enough to try and see if something could be done to her disfigured face but her left leg which something cut so deep in the fire had to be amputated. She knew what amputation meant…did the doctor say fire? The stove!! The phone!!Snake xenzia!! Then it all began to make sense; the phone had exploded…

Her mum began to cry and beg the doctor, but she heard the doctor walking away. Her mum sat next to her and held one of her heavy hands. Ouchhh! Leave that hand alone mummy, she wanted to scream at her mum but she could not. Her mother started sobbing, blaming the spirit of her dead husband for leaving her and wanting to take away their daughter. Not the spirit of daddy, Eri thought, the spirit of Snake Xenzia; if there was anything like that. She wanted to tell her mum to stop crying but it suddenly felt like something was in her chest and it was stopping her from breathing… whatever it was apparently made her start breathing heavily; get off my chest she wanted to scream, but she couldn’t. Doctor! Doctor! Her mum screamed and ran out. She came back with the doctor and after some minutes of what felt like a year, the doctor said she had passed on… she knew what that meant.

That was what the doctor told her mum when her dad died. She wanted to tell the doctor she was not dead, her spirit was still in her body, they could amputate the leg and leave her disfigured face as it was but she did not want to die yet… she wanted to be rich… she wanted to have the very good things of life… she knew if she died then she was going to hell and if the fire that burned her on earth left her like this, she could not imagine what that of hell; the natural habitat of fire would do to her. She remembered that a brother on their street whom she and others refer to as “holy holy” had once told her that God can forgive anyone at anytime. So she began to pray for forgiveness of sins, asking God not to send her to hell fire; dear father, please forgive me my sins, accept me into your kingdom… I know I am sinner but please God forgive me, Jesus please beg God for me, God please…


Eri! Eri! Eri oooo! Its 6.00am, wa lo kiri ogi. “ But Mummy, I’m dead!!!!” she wanted to scream as she opened her eyes. It was a dream! She was not dead, she checked her body and except for the mosquito marks on her body, her skin was intact. Thank God,she said as she stood up smiling, wiping the sweat off her face and she gently moved her younger sister out of her way. “Mummy, I’m coming ooo” she said as she took the tray for hawking and ran to the backyard.


P.S: sorry for the long absence... exams decided to show it's face,remember me in your prayers biko

Photocredit: google