The Shoe,Sandal,Slipper story

(Enters Miss Shoe)
Shoe: (surveys her environment and looks for a neat place to stay) Hello fans, I'm shoe and I'm size 40 because I was made in Nigeria. I'd be size8 if I came from UK but that's by the way. As you can see,I'm a black shoe and I have a really high heel. I hate water but I'm in love with polish,we've been dating since I was a little leather. To my best understanding,I'm the best thing that has ever happened to Mrs Foot, although I have jealous rivals (whispering) miss sandal and miss slipper. Look! Here comes miss slipper,she is here to antagonize me as usual.
    (Miss shoe moves aside, miss slipper slips in)

SLIPPER: Hi everyone,I'm slipper and I'm size 40. I have a really comfortable sole and I'm easy to slip on. Unlike shoe, I cause Mrs foot little or no pain on her ankle and waist region. For this reason,I've been with Mrs foot to big weddings,naming,birthday,burials,toilet and sometimes bathroom,yes! I'm water resisitant. I'm Mrs foot's favorite wear and miss shoe cannot dispute this. Even at times when Mrs foot wears her to these parties, she keeps me in her bag because of the comfort I bring. Come rain,hurricane,fire and what have you I'l always be there to aid Mrs feet's speed, I an sure Miss shoe must have told you I'm her rival,pay no attention to her,the only one I see as a potential rival is Miss sandal because she also can be as comfy as I am. I'm not saying we are equal tho,she admits that I'm her senior(adjusts foot hole) Here comes Miss sandal with her ugly strap.

(Miiss slipper moves aside,enters Miss Sandal with her buckle undone,this causes her to trip but swiftly she gets up and adjusts)

SANDAL: My name is sandal. Hi there,errm sorry permit me to start again. Hi there,My name is sandal and I'm the prettiest possession anyone could acquire. Some people call me gladiator depending on my appearance which changes a lot. One thing about a gladiator is strength and true to my name,I'm a strong footwear. My waist is lined with a sexy strap which houses a beautiful buckle and this holds Mrs foot from falling off. Slipper,the slippery chick must have told you how mrs foot goes everywhere with her,Liar!!! Last week, there was fire outbreak at Mrs Foot's office and she was wearing slipper, as she ran down the stairs,slipper got so tired and fell off her which made her walk home bare and causing slipper to sleep at the office.It was the next week she was found lying bruised and partially burnt near the cubicle at the office's waiting room. If Mrs foot had me on,I would have transported her safely.It is in realization of this that Mrs foot now takes me everywhere(bats eyelashes)

SLIPPER: Now that you have displayed your parroting skill,what have u gained? Are you higher or neater? Mrs Foot has a program in another church today and she is taking me along. Do you even know how much I'm worth?? She shows me off at the slighest opportunity remember? And she just painted her nails,she'd want to show those off too (smiles confidently)

SHOE: Enough slipper! How much?? How much are u worth??? 2thousand naira? 3thousand naira?? Cheap footie. She parted with 20 thousand naira asides delivery fee just to bring me here. I have a front opening so what makes you think she can't show off her newly painted nails putting me on? She is taking me to church,of this I'm sure.

SANDAL: Bloody shoe,Watery slipper. She cleaned me with passion yesterday. I'm positive she is going out with me
 SHOE: You lie! She is going out with me,I'm always clean.Polish is my boyfriend remember??
SLIPPER: Deceive yourselves, she'll pick me
SANDAL: Pfftt,dumb footies,let's wait and see
 SLIPPER: Pffft yourself sandal,pfffffft your whole self!
   (Enters Mrs Foot)
(Pacing up and down eyeing the footies. She hisses and makes to leave_
Mrs FOOT: Ugly old Footies. Today, I choose to walk bare
 (Hisses and leaves)
 The end....
 MORAL: Most times, quarreling isn't the way. We all are unique in our different ways. Pointing out the flaws of another doesn't change anything because sometimes at the end,no one gets picked.

Who you dont want(Blame the devil)

I was too tired to wait for my friends so I decided to go to my hostel alone. I was waiting for a cab with two other guys and two ladies,I already planned on how I was going to push anybody pushable whenever the first cab arrived because it had started to drizzle and I had clothes on the line. A cab stopped and one of the ladies I was with shouted 'drop'(incase you don't know what this implies: she wanted the cab all to HERSELF), Ehn!! what did this one just say,I thought, only you will now enter the cab okwa ya? She was lucky the cab man didn't pick her because I'd have done something really embarrassing. So I entered the cab with the two dudes and the other girl,I sat by the window and I gave her the 'ntooor' look. It was halfway I discovered that I was in a cab with cute guys(I have a thing for fine boys yo) I need new fine boys in my life so I sneezed(yes,I can fake a cold too and in times like this,sneezing is just the perfect action) the guys didn't even look up let alone say 'bless you' and therefore didn't say 'bless you cutie' (the actual thing I wanted to hear). I thought they didn't hear so I sneezed again,tweeh,they were just glued to their phones,even the girl sef didn't answer me. When I was already envisaging a tiff between both of them over who'd pay my cab fare. It was as if their girlfriends too had told them not to say 'bless you' to sneezing ladies in public. They both brought out just the right amount for their fare and gave the driver,ahnahn where are these stingy boys from naa, didn't you learn how to treat those who were in need (not in need of their money actually,the attention) When we alighted,one was going in my direction and so I quickly walked up and made sure I was walking in his front, my inner man told me he was too shy to approach me in the cab and was scared as he didn't know what my reaction would be so I decided to make his job easier. I was wearing a white shirt and black skirt as usual and I expected him to notice me from behind(I'm not tooting my horn,but most people do...before I lost weight) the cloth was quite smart(if you know what I mean by smart) and I was waiting for him to tap me but No oo,he didn't even touch the hem of my garment. Vrooom, he walked past me,still pressing his phone,chaii, this dude must be gay how can he not notice me? You think you are a fast walker abi,today you have met your better half. I increased my pace and overtook him, now I intensified the buttocks swaying, this matter is very serious but still this guy didn't tap me. It took me a few minutes to realize that I was on my own, I was towing the narrow part alone, azzin the dude wasn't even walking anymore,I looked back,he already stopped and I thought he was waiting for a cab.Cheesus,mumu ni padi yii o, how can you leave me to walk on my own , why would he not tell me we were stopping to wait for a cab. Today today, you will ask for my number,I brought out my phone and pretended like I was making a call so I reversed and was like 'you are at home? I'm coming let me get a cab' So I stood next to him again and I this time I knew he was definitely going to look at me. My shoes were very beautiful and my legs should atleast attract him and make him trace those legs up to the face (like those Indian movies) By now he was smiling at his phone so I assumed he already took a sneak peek when I was looking away. Oya baby talk na,ask for my name, he didn't,he still kept pressing that annoying phone. I was becoming so impatient, Holy spirit, helper of the helpless ,make his phone fall and crash into a million pieces ,make him loose all his contacts and leave him with no option than to collect my phone to put a call through to his brother, he'll tell me how grateful he is,call me a life saver, collect my number and call me at night ,ask if we could meet up to thank me the more,we meet up,we start dating,we live happily ever after in our condo in las vegas and I'll tell my children this story on our 20th wedding anniversary. I came back to reality when this silver Hyundai Equus 2013model stopped in front of us,we were not married,he doesn't even know my name. I assumed the car stopped for me and I was already thinking of how I was going to answer the dude driving the car in a way that'll make this guy jealous and realize that I just wanted to manage him ni. The driver whined down the window screen and it was a lady behind the wheels(I'm straight joor,just go away and hit on another lady) She was a beautiful lady, a very beautiful lady,infact beautiful is an understatement,she was smiling at the guy. 'Babe,I'm sorry I kept you waiting' she said as the guy entered the front seat, she pecked her right in my presence, (oh,so it wasn't for me you stopped? This life isn't fair) I heard her asking this guy if I was his friend and the dude was like 'noooooooo' The way this guy said the 'noooo' catapulted my hand into my handbag in search of my mirror(what in pete's name is wrong with my face). They zoomed off and left me standing with this other guy and that one was looking at me and smiling,eeew see the dentition. 'Sister na where you dey go,na my okada dey there, he said as he pointed at one yamayama okada,na for free I go carry you o,you be fine girl. I hissed and made to walk away,its not your fault I thought to myself,that was when I realized I wasn't in front of my school anymore,I wasn't even close to my school,I quickly walked back and asked the guy,bros abeg na where be this,when he told me my mouth hung. Chaii on top say I wan make fine boy collect my number,my mother thought me better than this o(it was the devil,my inner man whispered to me,the devil made you enter the cab with him,the DeVIL) How much to my school I asked him,he told me 30naira but that he'd take me for free,I smiled at him and told him oya. When I got down in front of my hostel's main gate, the guy told me to wait and he brought out his phone and pointed it at me,I was like for what,he said number. Ehn iwo ati tani, kilagbe kiloju (what did we carry,what did you throw) I smiled at him ,clutched my bag wella and I technically flew inside my hostel's compound. Thank God they don't allow visitors in before 4'o clock,which mouth will I use and tell my friends the story. I blame the devil,I blame him so much.

SLIM et THICK

#Been long you saw me# You missed me right? I missed me too. Blame my brief absence on lack of inspiration and partially on busy schedule but all the same I'm here,atleast for now. So my post today isn't about any embarrassing experience(sorry to disappoint you) its gonna be about you and I;I'm so romantic I know right. Actually its not about you and I exactly,its about our bodies #clears throat# pastor abeg come back, it isn't a sexual post. Before I proceed, be sure to know that I'm typing obviously what I think and if you think otherwise,ermm try and think a little like me,na naija we dey rebrand so. Fat and thin are the classical words used for someone who has extra fat and someone who has 'less fat' respectively but I bring you tender words,ladies and gents, I introduce to you THICK and SLIM,*loud ovation* thank you, thank you,have your seats please. You see the words fat and thin seem offensive to me and its not like one's size should be a bad thing. Although some people see thick and slim as equally offensive words, I think they are not as harsh as fat and thin so if we can't avoid referring to someone's size,let's make use of thick and slim. Most of us use the fat and thin words very often and we think I'm sha not lying,she is very fat or she is too thin and moreover I'm calling a spade a spade,nice perspective my dear,but hold on and reason with me,I'm not encouraging us to lie but don't you think to call a spade a shovel if only to make the word 'longer' or so it contains the letter 'v' isn't a bad idea? I don't think it is and I know you wouldn't too if it's just the letter 'v' you need to complete a puzzle. Let me share my experience with you and how the 'thick' word brought me some sort of relief. Sometimes ago,I was adding weight but I didn't notice. My clothes were getting tighter and some of my friends felt it was awkward but I felt it was cool because the fat brought out my curves and hell yeah I loved the attention,but a friend of mine(a guy actually) walked up to me and was like you are getting too fat oo eh by the time you reach final year you go don big door no go fit contain you.....I stared at the door and back at myself and felt a little scared because if I couldn't go through that door,there is no way in heaven my husband would be able to lift one of my legs,but I feigned a smile and I was like 'my boo isn't complaining' though deep inside I felt bad. I went on a diet,or so I think, I cut down my calories intake,stopped eating late;I began sleeping early so I wouldn't be tempted to eat. I was too timid to run around our neighbourhood so I kept running round the open space behind my house. I'd stand in front of the mirror and squeeze my thighs as if that'd reduce the fat, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and I compared myself to everyone. I got 'slimming' tea sef, I'd take it in the morning and night and afternoon sometimes but shuooo,I wasn't seeing any changes. Few weeks after I started this 'slimming' journey, one of my big sisters came around and was just staring at me,I felt uncomfortable initially but when she told me she wished she had my stature I started to blush. She told me 'thick' was the in-thing and she really wished she had more flesh,I just kept smiling and scolding myself for wanting to slim down in the first place. Some days after, I was taking a stroll with one of my thick friends and we were both 'thicking' our asses..a guy walked up to us and asked to see my friend, when she came back,she told me the guy said he liked her thickness,I feigned anger because I don't think its polite if you tell a girl you like her because of her stature but I felt pleased,even though it wasn't me he approached which was quite sad but atleast,he strengthened my notion of the word 'thick' instead of 'fat' because my friend's mood lightened too,I concluded that it wasn't just me. I wouldn't have felt bad about my size if not because of what that guy told me and I wouldn't have felt pleased either if not coz of what the lady told me and what the other guy told my friend. You might think what others say should not affect us,but let us be realistic,we often think about their opinions and try to console ourselves with sweet words.My point exactly,I think we all should be appreciative of our bodies,be it thick or slim. I think we should also appreciate others, thick or slim. Its not going to be easy replacing the words fat and thin with thick and slim but it wouldn't hurt if we give it a try. The dictionary and other sources will definitely define these words as different terms but that's none of our business, our business is how our words and actions affect others and if using thick instead of fat changes someone's perception why not? It isn't deception I tell you, it is thoughtful selection. Also,it isn't the size that matter, it is the content and if you won't even give the content the chance to manifest because you think 'she's fat,she can't be nice' or 'she's too thin,she'll break if I touch her' you might be losing someone important .I'm guilty of calling others 'too thin' or 'fat' so I'm not excluding myself but I think if we all appreciated the sizes of one another,the world will be a better place and if you don't want the world to be a better place just remember if we are all of the same size,we'd all wear the same cloth size and that very beautiful dress you love or that smashing pair of shirt you really admire would not be hanging in your wardrobe because the person who was in the store just before you picked up the clothing loved it but couldn't buy it because it wasn't the right size.So show some love,rock your body,help him/her rock her body(chill,not on the bed o) and let's rock these beautiful bodies together.

#Zoned

Happy new month everyone,may the month bring happiness,joy,love, money and moorrre money. Ain't we all victims of zoning? its either we are zoning someone or someone zones us,the only different thing is our reaction. As a person,i don't like being zoned,it makes me think I'm not being seen as a lady,which is quite painful(mops tears) but it happens to me often and I turn it intto a case of 'do me I do you'.You see,if any guy ever puts me in the sister zone,I brotherzone him too and I automatically adopt his surname.As it is,I presently have 5'brothers' and five different surnames. When any of these brothers now try to leave this zone or ' unsister' zone me,it makes me sad because I see it as an act of incest, an abomination and even the bible is against it. There was this guy I met 2years ago,initially I liked him and there were beautiful butterflies but overtime they became worms and crawled out of my belly because he sister-zoned me. I was the one setting P for him with one of my friends and when my friend dumped him,he realized I was his first love and that his face had been masked all the while but I made him realize my own first love already found me and we already gave our children names even though I was still single. If he had asked me out initially maybe I'd have said yes,but he didn't and so he entered my own brotherzone and he is still enjoying the zone. Last year,I also met a guy who isn't so cute but has a very good attitude(I already said I was going to manage him o) but it appeared he thought I was too good for him(he said 'not too good' actually) so he sister_zoned me, his own zoning was very bad, each time he messaged me he was always adding 'sis' to everything (I just ate sis, lol sis, no sis, tomorrow sis e.t.c) He kept driving home the point that I was nothing more than a sister,he even stored my name with 'le sis' I felt pained but there was nothing I could do. I already gba kamu so when he recently started making funny moves I was surprised(he finally realized his parents has just 4sons) but I already prepared for him because I was hurt and so I made sure he realized I was his sister. I kept sending him 'sisterly' messages, waking him up with messages like goodmorning to the best brother in the world,when God made brothers he gave me the best bla bla bla, he realized what I was doing and he started 'loling' without adding the 'sis' he even told me we were not related as his father has only has 1 wife and his mother 4sons(he just snapped out of his coma),I made him realize we were related and I even picmixed our pictures,wrote 'siblings forever' and told him people said we looked so much alike. He tried all he could to unsister zone me but mba! It can never happen,once a brother,always a brother. Guys! My point exactly,if you like someone,don't put them in any zone at all not even bestfriend zone, make them know you like them and its not just the platonic likeness, if they agree,good and if they don't it'll be on record that you said something. I'm not advising you to go around confessing love to every girl but atleast make sure you are not sisterzoning a girl you like because if she thinks like me and adopts you as a brother you may never get out of the zone .If you have therefore zoned any girl that you like,try and revert it and if its irreversible,its God that catch you. Ladies,stop zoning too, if you like the bobo tell am,I'm not saying make the first move(you could tho if you get mind) but atleast you know what gimmicks you can use to make him realize you don't see him as a brother. #SayNoToZoning#