So, here is a list of ten places where you can do unholy things in the university; and I might probably suggest some places where only Uites know ( I don’t know why you didn’t pick UI, but you do realize it’s never too late to get a jamb form right?). I will not be the one to define unholy things; rather I’d leave your unholy minds to fill in the gap.
*grabs mic*
Let’s do this
1. Your room: Lucky you if you have a room outside school. I bet one of the reasons you got the room is “privacy”? Well,deep within, we both know it’s because your mischievous mind considered the likelihood of opportunities to do some unholy things which would require you having your own room . If you stay on campus, all hope is not lost. You can still do it in your room especially when you have just one roommate who goes to the church/mosque a lot or makes the library his or her second home (if I were a guy, I’d be that kinda sensible roomie). You are even luckier if your roommate has the same likeness for such things, you people could do it together. Calm your balls, I don’t mean together like that kind of together, biko, don’t make Vaseline more expensive than it is. I mean together like taking turns...
2. The library: Ghen Ghen, who says its only books one reads in a library? Don’t you watch Hollywood movies? Although I agree that our libraries might not be as sophisticated, well furnished and neat as theirs, you can still do your thing in between those stacks of books.
If your “unholy thing” involves making babies, you stand a higher chance of making intelligent babies. So, go to the library today and let’s replay some Hollywood movies.
3. The library’s toilet: if you are too shy to do it in between books and you don’t want bookworms, you can go to the toilet since your body system is already used to stench and you can do anything anywhere even if it’s a latrine. Your child is not going to be a toilet cleaner although when he grows up you might discover that his head is full of shit… literally. I used ‘his” because I’m sure only a male child can be reproduced under such circumstances.*picks race before the guys reading this lynch me*.
4. Heritage Park: Any student of UI, especially Queens hall girls would know this is the centre of unholy thing. Most of us, including yours faithfully, have found ourselves there at one point or the other (please, some of us go there for tutorials). Just wear long trousers so mosquitoes don’t spoil the moment for you. You can also consider wearing pull over and head warmer because the cold there is not from this side of the world. In fact, if you have blanket and socks I’ll advise you hold those along too. To complete the whole equation you can as well carry your bed and pillow,. You see you don’t need much to do things in heritage park.
5. Legendary love garden: Why do you think it’s called love garden? Things go down here every night.
6. Bus: You can purposely go and look for a bus loading places on campus that don’t get passengers on time. don’t forget to take your position at the back of the bus. I assume you watch Hollywood movies and you know how it is done.
7. Burial ground: It might come as a shock to some people to know that there used to be a burial ground in UI. Well, there is burial ground at the back of chapel and if all those places I’ve mentioned earlier don’t suit you, this is the perfect place for you. The place is all covered with bushes and trees now so you don’t have to be scared. Besides, is it not just to have spirits singing into your ears and a few horny spirits joining your make out? What’s there??
8. Awba dam: Most people that go here have cars but for those of you that don’t have cars, you still get a shot. You can also go there to do your thing and as usual if it involves making babies, you could get lucky and have a mammy water child. Yes, I’m superstitious and I believe there are mammy waters in any water; even swimming pool. I know you have heard that mammy water children are always fine.
9 Under the trees: One beautiful thing about UI is that we have plenty beautiful and large trees. Locate the nearest tree to you and you can go there to do your thing. There are some fascinating creatures the Yorubas call ebora inu igi. I’ve never seen one before, I’m hoping you’d come across one so you will be able to write a book about how it/they look(s)… that is if you still have your eyes after you see it/them (I heard each of them usually have more than one head)
10. V.C’s office: If you are as bold and as courageous as I am (*pops collar*), you would walk straight to the VC’s office and tell him you need his office to do your shii. All you need do is go to a babalawo’s place and get “afoshe” or one of those substances Lere Paimo and all those actors rub on their lower lip in Yoruba movies to make people become their puppets for a while or forever (please, if you by any chance get this substance, I need it biko, let me try it on a bank manager so he’ll start pumping money into my account). Well, if it doesn’t work on the VC, I hope you know the way out of the university. I also hope you are not the first child of your family whom they are expecting to complete school and train the others because my nigga, we probably just saw the end of your career in school.
Let me end this list with “I don’t know tho” so nobody would say I was the one who spoilt their career.
This is my own list.
Uites suggest other places I didnt mention and our peeps from other universities, tell us about your school's top 10.
