Wednesday 21 January 2015

A night with the ants...


























It  was past 2 and I was still awake. I’m not an insomniac, as a matter of fact; I sleep by 9 most times and when there is something really important to do then there is an extension till 12. I was awake because I had a terrible headache the previous day, it was so terrible that for a minute I wished I had a detachable head so I could gently remove and keep in my neighbor’s freezer and go pick it up the morning when it’s all cooled off/down..we all know heads don’t come that way. I went to a friend’s room around 8 when it got worse and her bed kinda performed magic as I slept like a baby till 2p.m. You see, this girl is in LOVE (she’ll break my head if she sees this) and so she and her boo woke me up around past 2 when they decided to start their family meeting over the phone so I had to return to my own room…..
       My roommates were asleep of course but one of them managed to get up and open the door for me (this is none of your business o..but lemme chip this in; this girl has the best laughter in the whole world..Her laughter makes me happy *shines teeth, now it’s your business) I wasn’t feeling sleepy so I turned on my data to check if anyone was awake on BBM. My best friend who keeps denying me is an insomniac so he was my saving grace. Way into our chat, one insect from heaven knows where crawled up on me and stung me so hard; you should have seen the way I jumped up to kill the insect. I crushed it with my palm and as if that wasn’t enough I put on my table lamp, picked a slipper and crushed it more. I felt like a murderer quite alright but I didn’t have an option, did I ? It probably was from a witch who thinks I’m cuter and her jealousy made her send the ant to sting my eye or upper lip so I’ll look terrible the next day. By the time it didn’t return the witch would realize I’m not only finer but also stronger, I thought.
                I went back to chatting with my best friend and reading posts on naijasinglegirl.com. Then there was a stronger and more painful sting..another ant bit me at the back.. Mogbe!! The spirit of the insect I had killed had obviously appeared to its wife and first son and they had come to avenge its death. I hurriedly got up to put on the lamp again and this time I decided to leave it on. I saw two ants but I was only able to kill one, the other was way too fast. I killed the slower one and then it dawned on me that some ants had become orphans. The ant was most likely the mother and wife. She had avenged her husband’s death in her own little way and had saved the life of her son by laying down hers. This time I re-laid my bed and as I was doing that I saw crumbs of biscuits on my bed. That was probably what the father had come for when I ended its life.__. May its soul rest in peace I muttered as I went back to bed. My phone’s battery was low so I decided to put it to rest and get a little asleep as my eyelids were already marrying each other.
       Twenty minutes into my sleep,I was ATTACKED...holy shit it came from all sides… Apparently I didn’t kill only somebody`s father and mother.. I had killed a KING!!! You are wondering how I know this right? Well it’s because I’m the one telling the story. They were everywhere on my bed, hundreds of them. I tried calling my roommates for help but I was speaking a different language…Language of the ants. I couldn’t speak English but the ants could, I begged the ants for help in their language which sounded like Chinese. An ant who looked like he was the next in commander decided to speak, it was so full of swear words that I concluded the ant was living in a ghetto in America before they deported it to Nigeria. You bloody human.. you muhf*king bi*ch, you have murdered our king.... the chief guard saw those muhf*king crumbs earlier and brought the reports to me, I gathered my boys but the muhf*kas were too afraid to climb, our f*king brave king decided to effing come for it …and then you f*king killed him!!!! Bitch you effing killed him..Without thinking twice you killed him and now you are going to pay with your f*king brain’. I began to shiver and cry and I was too weak to even stand up. It was already coming for my nose; I couldn’t take it anymore as they all started biting at me at the shout of “ATTACK”.I began to cry and I begged them to temper justice with mercy. I promised to pay money into their bank account so they could get enough food and build a mighty empire,I promised them stock fish and my remaining noodles, I even promised the commanding ant that I was going to help it get a visa back to America even though me masef never reach airport before. They didn’t answer me, they wanted revenge and as it moved closer to my left eye I intensified my shaking………….…then I heard something that sounded like Jason derulo singing “ Everytime that you get undressed, I hear symphonies in my head…..” It was as if the ants were afraid of his voice because they retracted. At this point I was already getting a hold of my body and as the song continued, I opened my left eye and then my left and woke up…from the terrible dream. A part of my body had pressed my phone and Jason derulo’s “trumpets” came right up and saved my brain, so i guess we now know why his picture is up there.
       I think the bread I ate last night had too much alcohol in it because that is the only reasonable explanation for the kind of dream I had… well, it wasn’t all a dream because I saw two dead ants on the floor this morning, for this reason I’m not sleeping in my bed for the next one week… because you never can tell, there might actually be ants somewhere planning their revenge……
 P.s: Sorry for my long absence…I actually have excuses but I don’t think stating them’ll change anything… only my apology matters right??
 P.s.s: Duru…see I wrote something……
Thanks for reading.. see you soon.